Romance Is Officially Dead and This App Murdered It

Because it’s just not easy enough to sow your horny oats in the real world and initiate a sexual relationship by your own devices online, ta da! May the social media gods present Bang With Friends, a Facebook app that takes connecting with someone to a whole other level. With the click of your mouse, you could be logging off of The Book and having some very tangible sex. Provided you get banged back, of course.

The app, which launched about a week ago, is the brainchild of three college students who claim to have built it in just three short hours (which probably makes their parents proud and the investment of their tuition dollars extra super worthwhile). Its proprietors say they’ve have matched 10,000 couples in that short time, though one—mainly me—has to wonder how they track those hook-ups. Methinks users should proceed with caution and watch who they bang. For more reasons than one.

Here’s how it works: after you download, you’re welcomed by a collage of profile pics and a message at the top of the page: “Skip the chatting and get to smacking those cheeks. Which of your friends do you want to bang?” Straightforward and to the point, just like the app itself.

Bang With Friends

Ideally, BWF weeds through your list of Facebook friends and pulls out members of the opposite sex (though plans are in the works to tweak it for optional girl-girl and boy-boy action). You then click the “Down to Bang” button to initiate the rendezvous and wait, expectantly, hopefully, I guess, to get an affirmative response. Your potential hook-up will be notified privately via email when there’s a match.

And the rest is up to you, him, and the Trojan Man.

Feeling adventurous, I took it for a spin. My list didn’t pull together quite as expected—sorry Tahnaya and Rochelle, who are both very female, and hence, at least for me, very un-bang-able. Aside from them, I was greeted with several dudes I know from college. Didn’t want to bang them then, don’t want to bang them now. My best friend’s little sister’s gay bestie. Won’t be banging him either, much to both of our relief, I’m sure. A few of my cousins (yikes!) and nooo! Not my pastor. Sweet baby Jesus.

Adding to the gross factor was the ickiness of scanning over profile pics of newborn babies, adorable little kids, and even a doggie or two. All very awkward.

If you can sort through that deflating montage and still feel randy, more power to you. I was just testing it out for the sake of this blog post and feel like I need to hit the showers and a confessional, and I’m not even Catholic. I couldn’t remove it fast enough from my account, partly out of disgust and partly out of fear that a closeted perv would test it out and discover that I, too, am down for a bang. I’m really not.

A mobile app is in the works, too, but I can’t help thinking this is a really bad idea. As if it’s not already easy enough to cheat on FB and Twitter (which I for the life of me can’t get—cheating in 140 characters or less?!), now there are apps making it that much more convenient to hook up and destroy the concept of relationships. Sweet.